101. If your shadow seems to be getting bigger in a very short amount of time, begin running around in circles.
100. If a woman asks you to go find her “dog”, she’s really talking about a ravenous, hungry, obnoxiously large creature that doesn’t resemble a dog whatsoever. Ignore her.
99. Always have a spare PP7, just in case.
98. If an evilly possessed forest kid steals your horse, don’t go after it. Get a new one.
97. Do NOT slash the chickens.
96. Do NOT slash the stray dogs.
95. Collect masks. They are a good thing.
94. Eat your mushrooms.
93. If you see a purple mushroom, don’t eat it. It’s poisonous.
92. Red mushrooms are GOOD.
91. Green ones are even BETTER.
90. If someone pisses you off, chokeslam ‘em.
89. A piledriver works nicely, too.
88. If you see a very tall man with silver hair, and he has a six-foot-long sword, run.
87. If you happen to bump into a man riding a dragon with the face of a woman, don’t speak to him.
86. You don’t die. You “stop moving”.
85. Heart containers are a GOOD thing.
84. Don’t pick up strange, evil-looking multicolored masks.
83. If you begin to see Princess Zelda in your mind, hit yourself.
82. Do NOT participate in Goron Races.
81. If the ghost of a strange person asks you to break the curse inside of their temple, decline.
80. Do not feed the Gibdos.
79. If a man who is partially transformed into a mummy pops out of a closet, you can either whistle a healing song or run away. Either one works.
78. Do not let the little girl see you.
77. If a shiny yellow spinning object comes hurtling toward you, RUN. Run VERY fast.
76. Do NOT go visit the princess.
75. Bottles are quite convenient.
74. If you are transported to a large room with guns all over the floor, pick them up and shoot everyone you see.
73. Homerun Bats are ALWAYS a good thing.
72. Absorb your enemies to gain power. But only if you’re a one and a half foot pink ball of fluff.
71. Take up painting.
70. The characters with the largest eyes are always the most innocent.
69. Don’t visit the Great Deku Tree.
68. Turtles are BAD.
67. Especially the ones with wings.
65. Or abnormally colored shells.
64. If you break something, and a random item pops out (i.e. banana, heart, green bottle), pick it up.
63. Whenever possible, go find yourself a bunny hood.
62. Have your ocarina handy at all times.
61. Whatever you do, do NOT enter the room with the obnoxiously large keyhole in the door.
60. If you hear a nice-sounding tone, then you’ve done something right.
59. If you hear a funny low register tone, RUN.
58. If you’re driving an aircraft, and you hear a strange voice on the speaker, turn off your radio.
57. No one can beat you in tennis. NO ONE.
56. Gotta catch ‘em all. (Kowaii, ne?)
55. In any case, a hammer is a good thing.
54. Get a feel for every controller on every platform (game system).
53. Learn to fish. Well.
52. Do not enter any wells. At all.
51. If you name yourself something on Link’s Awakening, it’ll always be THIEF. Trust me.
50. If you don’t like a sport in the real world, you will like it in a game. However, if you like a sport in the real world, chances are, you’ll hate the game version.
49. It’s okay to barge into peoples’ houses.
48. There ARE ghosts in graveyards. Purple and green ones that you can catch in bottles!
47. If you run into the ghost of a musician with a name that is a musical term, RUN.
46. The Royal Rumble is a GOOD thing.
45. If you happen to come across a kingdom of people that are about to burn a monkey, let’s hope that they’re human.
44. Do NOT enter the Kokiri Forest unless you want to become one of the undead things.
43. If a severely injured fish musician is floating in the water, for God’s sake, help the poor thing!
42. In anime, you shouldn’t shoot things into the sun. However, shooting things into the sun in video games can give you some nice merchandise.
41. Do NOT go after the crazy fish princess. Trust me.
40. Yoshi in Mario Party is a GOOD thing.
39. Feel free to jump on anyone’s head. It could be an enemy.
38. Unless you happen to be a sword-swinging, dashing hero who runs around the land taking off the various curses. Then you need to use the sword.
37. Using bombs is perfectly acceptable.
36. Attack the guards. They’re possessed.
35. Participate in trading sequences whenever possible.
34. Never, EVER play Blitz 2000/2001/whatever with a younger brother.
33. Jeopardy and Wheel of Fortune in the video game world are EVIL.
32. You CAN drive without a license.
31. Mario Tennis for GameBoy is even more addictive than Pokemon. And it’s more fun.
30. Unless you: a.) Have Iron Boots and a Zora Tunic or b.) Have transformed into a fish person with amazing swimming abilities and electric power; do not dive into the deep water.
29. If a noisy, loudmouth fairy flies into your room and tells you to save the world, go back to sleep.
28. If, by any chance, you come across a scary hand thing, and you slash it, stay away from any little hands that begin running around the room. They’re evil, too.
27. While you’re about collecting masks, start collecting hats, too.
26. If your city runs out of money, call on the disasters, baby!
25. If a crazy, laughing, evil ghost of your arch nemesis riding a horse pops out of a painting on the wall, shoot him.
24. Do NOT make the Happy Mask Salesman angry.
23. Also, do NOT make the happy music-box windmill man (A.K.A. Guru-Guru) angry.
22. Princess Zelda is the master of crossdressing.
21. If the strange green people tell you that you have to get married to get out of their town, get married.
20. The female heroine/co-heroine’s mother is ALWAYS dead.
19. If the little girl runs back into her house because of you, bomb her door.
18. The main characters of RPG/Strategy games are almost always blonde.
17. Follow the simian.
16. Marin is NOT Princess Zelda.
15. If you don’t want, need, or desire a cow, and a girl tells you that you can win a REALLY big prize, don’t play the game.
14. The Treasure Chest Game is EVIL.
13. Don’t let ANY countdown reach zero. EVER.
12. Stay far, far away from the purple water.
11. Unless you’re playing Ocarina of Time or Majora’s Mask, do NOT speak to the Zoras.
10. The princess can help herself. She’s always a tomboy.
9. One CAN get sick of playing Pokemon.
8.Don’t speak to the lady walking outside of her house. She’ll call a guard on you.
7. There are all kinds of bad things in the water.
6. Chateau Romani is milk spiked with some kind of screwed-up steroid. It’s a VERY good thing.
5. While on the subject of Chateau Romani, it comes from drunken cows abducted by UFOs.
4. Don’t bite the rock sirloin.
3. Abnormally colored hair is perfectly normal.
2. If your entire family is still alive, then you’re a weirdo.
1. TOONAMI CAN’T GET TO VIDEO GAMES! WAH HA HA HA HA!